Hilarious Quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!